1
00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:03,780
Thanks for watching!

2
00:00:43,370 --> 00:00:44,420
What time is it?

3
00:00:45,890 --> 00:00:46,970
I don't know.

4
00:00:47,590 --> 00:00:49,730
The big hand's frozen to me little hand.

5
00:00:50,290 --> 00:00:53,000
We've definitely had you off five
minutes by the fire.

6
00:00:54,110 --> 00:00:55,430
What's the matter, lads?

7
00:00:55,870 --> 00:00:56,920
Feeling the cold?

8
00:00:57,730 --> 00:00:59,890
No, I'm not feeling the cold.

9
00:01:00,470 --> 00:01:02,710
I can't feel anything below me nipples.

10
00:01:04,030 --> 00:01:05,550
And I can't even feel them.

11
00:01:07,030 --> 00:01:09,030
Time's up. Come on, change seats.

12
00:01:09,710 --> 00:01:10,760
Come on.

13
00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:24,560
This is for Felix, though.

14
00:01:25,220 --> 00:01:30,300
And he wrote, I thought you two pretty
boys volunteered for a customs duty.

15
00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:31,970
We did.

16
00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:33,340
We volunteered.

17
00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:37,880
Fancy a stint with the customs and
excise boys, they said.

18
00:01:38,300 --> 00:01:41,000
Oh, yes, please, he said.

19
00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:44,780
That sounds like a cushy number, he
said.

20
00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:49,010
He thought they'd send us to Heathrow or
Gatwick or somewhere.

21
00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:52,160
Body searching incoming Nubians.

22
00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:56,000
Searching our hostess's overnight
luggage bags.

23
00:01:56,840 --> 00:01:59,680
You don't count on being stuck in
feeling stuff.

24
00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:01,640
Captain Bird's eye.

25
00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:06,360
Searching other glories for cocaine.

26
00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:09,720
Ten years I've been in this job.

27
00:02:09,940 --> 00:02:12,140
Oh, I can tell you some stories.

28
00:02:13,140 --> 00:02:14,600
You already have.

29
00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:17,620
You get to meet some people in this job.

30
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,900
You get to see people in different
light.

31
00:02:22,460 --> 00:02:23,540
Yeah, well, you would.

32
00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:25,400
Shining tortoises up their bums.

33
00:02:28,380 --> 00:02:29,430
Aha!

34
00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:31,290
What now?

35
00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:32,810
A lorry.

36
00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:39,380
Oh, good. A lorry. Oh, yes.

37
00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:42,900
It is a lorry.

38
00:02:43,820 --> 00:02:49,459
Regulation says we're supposed to search
and stop every 21st lorry that comes

39
00:02:49,460 --> 00:02:50,119
through here.

40
00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:51,760
Come on. Out you get, lad.

41
00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:12,680
Pilchards. I hate pilchards.

42
00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:15,260
Oh, I didn't see it was you.

43
00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:19,280
I know it was you. I waved you off.

44
00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:20,770
That's no problem.

45
00:03:21,020 --> 00:03:22,070
I was early anyway.

46
00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:25,770
Make it work pretty well with a cup of
tea, eh?

47
00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:31,820
God, it's like a fridge in here.

48
00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:33,500
It's not like your fridge.

49
00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:34,840
It's got food in it.

50
00:03:36,170 --> 00:03:38,520
All the lousy jobs, this has got to be
the worst.

51
00:03:38,710 --> 00:03:42,589
I don't mind the driving rain and the
bitter cold, but Mr Fisherman's bloody

52
00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:44,210
friend that's getting on my tits.

53
00:03:44,350 --> 00:03:45,870
Not that I can feel him anymore.

54
00:03:46,690 --> 00:03:48,510
What? Just as I thought.

55
00:03:48,730 --> 00:03:51,320
What? There's something fishy about
this, Lottie.

56
00:03:55,070 --> 00:03:56,120
Oh, fuck.

57
00:03:59,030 --> 00:04:00,290
It's bloody cold tonight.

58
00:04:00,590 --> 00:04:01,640
Cold?

59
00:04:02,530 --> 00:04:03,580
Don't you start.

60
00:04:04,270 --> 00:04:06,220
You don't know what... Cold is.

61
00:04:07,860 --> 00:04:10,320
Just pilchards you're carrying, is it?

62
00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:11,930
Yeah.

63
00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:13,280
Yeah, just pilchards.

64
00:04:13,900 --> 00:04:15,280
Spotted anything yet, Bob?

65
00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:18,390
Opened up a crate of pilchards and found
Lord Lucan.

66
00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:22,300
What are you doing?

67
00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:26,620
When I was a kid, I used to do
impressions with a torch.

68
00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:28,400
This is my Doctor Who monster.

69
00:04:30,220 --> 00:04:34,180
How about doing an impression of a
policeman and giving me a hand with his

70
00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:36,170
Come on.

71
00:04:36,540 --> 00:04:37,600
Come here.

72
00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:40,740
Come on. Oh,

73
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:47,050
brilliant.

74
00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:50,850
Ah.

75
00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:53,520
Looks like my boys are finished.

76
00:04:54,780 --> 00:04:56,200
Well, that didn't take long.

77
00:04:56,660 --> 00:04:57,920
Pair of ponches.

78
00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:03,260
It's frozen, isn't it? Here.

79
00:05:03,530 --> 00:05:05,150
Out of the way. I'll give you a kick.

80
00:05:06,210 --> 00:05:07,430
Ow! Ow!

81
00:05:08,750 --> 00:05:10,950
Give it another go.

82
00:05:13,610 --> 00:05:16,790
I think you've broken it.

83
00:05:17,810 --> 00:05:18,860
Might have done.

84
00:05:18,870 --> 00:05:20,250
Might just be badly bruised.

85
00:05:21,870 --> 00:05:24,400
You wiggle the lever and I'll try and
open the door.

86
00:05:33,390 --> 00:05:34,440
There you go, mate.

87
00:05:35,841 --> 00:05:37,829
It's no use.

88
00:05:37,830 --> 00:05:38,880
It's stuck solid.

89
00:05:40,230 --> 00:05:43,170
I'll have to call Mr Frosty the Froden
Fishcake.

90
00:05:43,450 --> 00:05:44,790
He'll love this, he will.

91
00:06:23,370 --> 00:06:24,420
Are you still there?

92
00:06:25,130 --> 00:06:27,030
Of course I'm still here.

93
00:06:27,810 --> 00:06:29,090
Where else would I be?

94
00:06:29,470 --> 00:06:30,520
Just checking.

95
00:06:34,190 --> 00:06:35,710
Dave? What?

96
00:06:36,530 --> 00:06:37,580
I'm cold.

97
00:06:37,870 --> 00:06:40,410
Try rubbing yourself. Get the
circulation going.

98
00:06:44,750 --> 00:06:45,800
Oh, my God.

99
00:06:46,490 --> 00:06:48,250
What? I can't feel my legs.

100
00:06:50,830 --> 00:06:51,880
They're my legs.

101
00:07:01,261 --> 00:07:04,139
Shall we try shouting again?

102
00:07:04,140 --> 00:07:04,999
What's the point?

103
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,719
We're obviously in the cargo deck.
Nobody's going to hear us.

104
00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:11,139
We're stuck in a punctured lorry,
halfway across the North Sea in a Force

105
00:07:11,140 --> 00:07:12,520
gale and me big toe's broken.

106
00:07:17,100 --> 00:07:18,180
I hate the dark.

107
00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:23,180
And I get claustrophobic in confined
spaces.

108
00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:28,780
And ever since I was a kid, I've hated
pilchards.

109
00:07:32,650 --> 00:07:34,820
What a dream holiday for you, then, this
is.

110
00:07:35,310 --> 00:07:39,929
It reminds me of the cold, dank Sunday
afternoons when me gran used to come

111
00:07:39,930 --> 00:07:43,970
round with her airy moulds and make a
pilchard down with you.

112
00:07:44,450 --> 00:07:47,850
Every time I think pilchards now, I
haunt me rivets up.

113
00:07:48,910 --> 00:07:51,630
Pilchards. I love pilchards.

114
00:07:52,210 --> 00:07:54,130
You see, that's where we're lucky, Rob.

115
00:07:54,990 --> 00:07:58,810
If we were in here with half -hundred of
them, it's a plastic ducting.

116
00:07:59,730 --> 00:08:01,230
Then we wouldn't be in trouble.

117
00:08:04,300 --> 00:08:05,800
There's another thing as well.

118
00:08:06,580 --> 00:08:10,940
What? I get really, really sick.

119
00:08:14,500 --> 00:08:15,550
Oh, no.

120
00:08:17,060 --> 00:08:18,110
Oh.

121
00:08:18,540 --> 00:08:19,590
Oh.

122
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,300
Use your act.

123
00:08:49,900 --> 00:08:51,040
It's how Westerns fall.

124
00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:54,540
You're not using mine.

125
00:08:56,660 --> 00:08:58,380
How long have we been at sea now?

126
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:00,090
A couple of hours.

127
00:09:00,420 --> 00:09:01,470
Maybe more.

128
00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:04,910
It can't be much longer, can it? We're
only going to Ostend.

129
00:09:05,860 --> 00:09:06,910
Ostend?

130
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:13,580
Then again, it might be Sweden, Norway,
Lapland.

131
00:09:14,820 --> 00:09:16,140
Elephant journey, that is.

132
00:09:16,380 --> 00:09:18,700
Days and days of mountainous seas.

133
00:09:19,470 --> 00:09:21,610
Waves the size of semi -detached walls.

134
00:09:22,130 --> 00:09:23,670
Will you stop hating them?

135
00:09:27,070 --> 00:09:29,830
For now.

136
00:09:32,850 --> 00:09:36,340
Of course, there is a way of finding out
which direction you're going.

137
00:09:37,230 --> 00:09:39,670
Yeah? All to do with magnetism.

138
00:09:39,950 --> 00:09:41,590
I saw it ages ago on Blue Peter.

139
00:09:41,810 --> 00:09:45,830
All we need is a small metal object like
a safety pin and a length of cotton.

140
00:09:48,460 --> 00:09:50,380
I think I've got a safety pin somewhere.

141
00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:53,290
And you can borrow me a cagoule tassel
for the cotton.

142
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:57,939
According to Sarah Green, what you do is
you tie the cotton to the safety pin

143
00:09:57,940 --> 00:10:01,019
and then you just dangle it just for a
few minutes over this saucer full of

144
00:10:01,020 --> 00:10:02,070
mercury.

145
00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:03,570
Mercury.

146
00:10:06,340 --> 00:10:08,140
And have you got a saucer of mercury?

147
00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:10,570
Of course not.

148
00:10:11,420 --> 00:10:12,900
I haven't even got a saucer.

149
00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:16,760
I wonder if it'd work.

150
00:10:17,340 --> 00:10:18,900
if we dangled it over a pilchard.

151
00:10:37,460 --> 00:10:38,510
Dry land.

152
00:10:38,700 --> 00:10:39,750
Thank you, God.

153
00:10:40,420 --> 00:10:41,920
Thank you. Dry land.

154
00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:43,840
I wonder where we are.

155
00:10:44,460 --> 00:10:46,260
We're in the back of a pilchard lorry.

156
00:10:46,261 --> 00:10:52,639
Of course, there's one easy way to tell.
What do we need this time, a bucket

157
00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:54,680
full of dirt and a particle accelerator?

158
00:10:55,380 --> 00:10:56,430
No.

159
00:10:56,640 --> 00:10:59,720
We just use our senses and our powers of
deduction.

160
00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:04,920
For a start, it's definitely warmer, so
we're in a hot country.

161
00:11:06,380 --> 00:11:07,430
That's the engine.

162
00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:11,510
And we're driving on the right,
apparently.

163
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:14,140
So it's not Malta or New Zealand?

164
00:11:15,060 --> 00:11:19,460
We haven't been hijacked. We haven't
been set on fire. We're not in France.

165
00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:21,200
We can use our houses.

166
00:11:21,700 --> 00:11:23,000
Take a deep breath.

167
00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:25,980
And what do you smell?

168
00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:28,250
Pilchards.

169
00:11:30,100 --> 00:11:31,150
What else?

170
00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:38,899
Diesel. Can't you detect that faint but
unmistakable odour of goat's

171
00:11:38,900 --> 00:11:39,950
cheese?

172
00:11:42,220 --> 00:11:44,140
I haven't changed my socks for 24 hours.

173
00:11:45,740 --> 00:11:49,540
Last but not least, we can use our ears.
Just listen.

174
00:11:53,780 --> 00:11:55,100
What are we listening for?

175
00:11:55,420 --> 00:11:56,680
I'm very much mistaken.

176
00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:01,600
I can hear the distant call of a yellow
-throated reed warbler.

177
00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:03,220
Oh, God.

178
00:12:04,780 --> 00:12:06,620
Yellow -throated reed warbler.

179
00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:10,330
Native only to the countries in the
northern Mediterranean.

180
00:12:10,340 --> 00:12:14,400
So... Hot weather, goat's cheese and
reed warbler.

181
00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:15,810
And what have we got?

182
00:12:17,180 --> 00:12:20,620
It can only be... Northern Italy.

183
00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:26,119
Yeah, I'm prepared to bet you two boxes
of pilchards that we are now in the

184
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,900
Tuscany of Northern Italy.

185
00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:34,300
I speak a bit of Italian.

186
00:12:34,580 --> 00:12:36,380
I used to have an Italian girlfriend.

187
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:39,300
Oh, right. So you'll know how to say...

188
00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:41,380
Keep your hands to yourself, Tosspot.

189
00:12:52,020 --> 00:12:54,039
Dave, we've got...

190
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:59,180
Arrivederci!

191
00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:01,490
Avanti!

192
00:13:03,780 --> 00:13:04,830
Lambrecca!

193
00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:07,690
Go on.

194
00:13:08,010 --> 00:13:09,210
You've unfrozen itself.

195
00:13:14,610 --> 00:13:17,830
Where the bloody hell are we? Northern
Italy.

196
00:13:18,370 --> 00:13:20,210
Smell that Mediterranean air.

197
00:13:29,890 --> 00:13:31,330
That's a good one, isn't it?

198
00:13:32,030 --> 00:13:33,080
Urgency actions.

199
00:13:38,830 --> 00:13:39,970
I can't find the driver.

200
00:13:40,030 --> 00:13:41,610
We've eaten half his pilchards.

201
00:13:42,010 --> 00:13:43,060
You ate them?

202
00:13:43,170 --> 00:13:45,090
Come on, let's mingle with the natives.

203
00:13:48,690 --> 00:13:52,689
But remember, technically speaking,
we're illegal immigrants, so it's

204
00:13:52,690 --> 00:13:54,430
that we don't stand out in the crowd.

205
00:14:11,210 --> 00:14:12,830
Just to that, though. What?

206
00:14:13,190 --> 00:14:14,240
Well, use your eyes.

207
00:14:14,650 --> 00:14:17,150
Big bloody canal. What does that tell
you?

208
00:14:19,090 --> 00:14:20,140
Oh, right.

209
00:14:20,270 --> 00:14:21,320
Exactly.

210
00:14:21,590 --> 00:14:23,790
Venice. I told you we were in Italy.

211
00:14:26,450 --> 00:14:27,500
Buongiorno.

212
00:14:28,550 --> 00:14:30,720
I've always been very fond of the
Italians.

213
00:14:31,070 --> 00:14:32,120
Lovely skin.

214
00:14:32,550 --> 00:14:33,600
Lovely tomatoes.

215
00:14:37,150 --> 00:14:39,070
Shouldn't we try and find a telephone?

216
00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:40,770
I suppose so.

217
00:14:47,660 --> 00:14:49,400
Don't tell me you've left the money.

218
00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:51,640
You were in charge of the petty cash.

219
00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:53,690
Stupendous.

220
00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:57,959
Wandering round Venice without two
Poseidons to rub together. How do you

221
00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:01,160
we phone home? Or do Italian phone boxes
take tin fish?

222
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:03,420
It's always problems for you, isn't it?

223
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,540
We reverse the charges.

224
00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:07,330
Come on.

225
00:15:09,100 --> 00:15:10,720
I've always wanted to see Venice.

226
00:15:11,100 --> 00:15:14,580
See Venice and die, as William Blake
said.

227
00:15:15,100 --> 00:15:16,150
Florence.

228
00:15:16,740 --> 00:15:20,920
OK, just about. See Venice and die, as
Florence Blake said.

229
00:15:27,231 --> 00:15:29,299
Pilchard, anyone?

230
00:15:29,300 --> 00:15:30,380
Cut the chokes.

231
00:15:30,820 --> 00:15:32,260
Just give us the merchandise.

232
00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:35,620
I don't bloody believe it. What is
wrong?

233
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:37,010
With the books.

234
00:15:37,011 --> 00:15:39,099
The box marked with an X. It's been
emptied.

235
00:15:39,100 --> 00:15:40,780
The merchandise should be in here.

236
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:42,760
Is this your truck?

237
00:15:43,300 --> 00:15:50,039
Yeah. She said she saw two

238
00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:52,330
men climbing out of the lorry ten
minutes ago.

239
00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:53,740
Two men? What men?

240
00:15:55,420 --> 00:15:57,080
Your accomplices, maybe?

241
00:15:57,580 --> 00:15:58,630
Now, why?

242
00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:01,090
I put that stuff in the tins and sealed
it myself.

243
00:16:01,180 --> 00:16:02,340
Then I put it in the box.

244
00:16:02,341 --> 00:16:05,899
Well, no -one's touched it since. They
couldn't have done.

245
00:16:05,900 --> 00:16:07,080
So it has been a mistake.

246
00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:13,140
With half a million pounds worth of
uncut diamonds, mistakes can be costly.

247
00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:20,919
And if we don't find these two men
quickly, my friend, your mistake could

248
00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:21,970
fatal.

249
00:16:37,521 --> 00:16:40,199
Did you get hold of the super?

250
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:41,219
He wasn't there.

251
00:16:41,220 --> 00:16:42,270
Not there?

252
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:43,900
Apparently he's in Amsterdam.

253
00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:46,300
What's he doing in bloody Amsterdam?

254
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:49,870
He's working on some big undercover
diamond smuggling case.

255
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:51,040
You spoke to Crusher?

256
00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:54,100
Yep. You tell him what happened?

257
00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:55,760
Well, I had to, didn't I?

258
00:16:55,761 --> 00:16:58,699
Well, that's just tickety -boo, isn't
it?

259
00:16:58,700 --> 00:17:01,079
Our lives are going to be a misery for
months now.

260
00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:04,210
He says he's going to organise a whip
-around for our fair home.

261
00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:07,090
Send it by courier. We took temporary
passports.

262
00:17:08,980 --> 00:17:11,390
addressed to PC Pilchard and Constable
Kipper.

263
00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:16,830
Well, I don't care as long as they get
here.

264
00:17:16,831 --> 00:17:18,659
How long is it going to take?

265
00:17:18,660 --> 00:17:22,019
We're sending it direct to Venice
Airport, so it should be here by four.

266
00:17:22,020 --> 00:17:23,070
Four?

267
00:17:23,740 --> 00:17:25,240
What are we going to do all day?

268
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:26,850
We're relaxed.

269
00:17:26,980 --> 00:17:28,079
We enjoy ourselves.

270
00:17:28,820 --> 00:17:29,900
Take in the tights.

271
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,500
Dave, we are completely skint.

272
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:36,080
What are we going to do for food?

273
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:37,250
Food? Yes.

274
00:17:39,820 --> 00:17:42,720
For the last time, I'm not eating bloody
pilchards.

275
00:17:43,260 --> 00:17:44,310
Stop.

276
00:17:44,740 --> 00:17:47,390
If you don't like pilchards, just come
out and say so.

277
00:17:48,820 --> 00:17:49,870
Fetch them.

278
00:17:52,500 --> 00:17:53,550
I can't swim.

279
00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:10,560
Ah, Inspector Cotton.

280
00:18:10,561 --> 00:18:11,659
What a pleasure.

281
00:18:11,660 --> 00:18:14,619
Thank you. Inspector Van Dyck is
expecting you, so I would like to come

282
00:18:14,620 --> 00:18:15,670
way, please.

283
00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:19,650
Inspector.

284
00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:22,990
Yes? I have Inspector Cotton from London
here to see you.

285
00:18:25,340 --> 00:18:29,240
So, Inspector Cotton, welcome in
Amsterdam.

286
00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:31,040
Inspector Van Dyck.

287
00:18:31,380 --> 00:18:32,430
Van Dyck.

288
00:18:34,260 --> 00:18:37,330
It's very good of you to allow me to be
in at the kill, as it were.

289
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:39,420
Oh. Then you haven't heard.

290
00:18:39,421 --> 00:18:40,919
Heard what?

291
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:46,679
I'm afraid there's been something of a
last -minute hitch in our carefully

292
00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:47,860
prepared operation.

293
00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:49,730
I tell you what.

294
00:18:49,731 --> 00:18:54,099
While we're here, we should go and look
at St Mark's Square. Feed the pigeons.

295
00:18:54,100 --> 00:18:55,300
Not the pigeons.

296
00:18:55,580 --> 00:18:57,140
We should be feeding ourselves.

297
00:18:57,640 --> 00:19:00,680
If I was on the strike, I'd have the
tubes up my nose by now.

298
00:19:01,380 --> 00:19:05,050
As it happens, I wouldn't mind sampling
some of the local cuisine myself.

299
00:19:05,300 --> 00:19:06,350
Here.

300
00:19:06,660 --> 00:19:10,559
Let's try that traditional Italian
bistro over there. I bet they do

301
00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:11,610
spaghetti hoops.

302
00:19:12,380 --> 00:19:13,780
Don't. We've got no money.

303
00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:17,220
Good job one of us is thinking ahead.

304
00:19:17,620 --> 00:19:18,670
Come on.

305
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:26,780
There were two other men hiding in the
back of the log. Yes.

306
00:19:27,100 --> 00:19:31,079
And they made off with the diamonds
before our original smugglers could get

307
00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:32,130
their hands on them.

308
00:19:32,620 --> 00:19:33,680
Double sting.

309
00:19:34,740 --> 00:19:35,790
Clever.

310
00:19:36,270 --> 00:19:38,990
Yes. You know, in Holland we have a
saying.

311
00:19:39,770 --> 00:19:45,529
When the chef puts his feet into the
saucepan, he should not be surprised if

312
00:19:45,530 --> 00:19:47,090
vegetable bites his toes.

313
00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:54,610
These men, do you have descriptions?

314
00:19:55,190 --> 00:19:56,240
Yes.

315
00:19:58,270 --> 00:20:02,470
Yes, they're both wearing yellow
cagoules. One has dark curly hair, blue

316
00:20:02,530 --> 00:20:05,470
The other is taller, thin, with a face
like a...

317
00:20:05,690 --> 00:20:06,740
A ferret.

318
00:20:06,870 --> 00:20:07,990
They're both English.

319
00:20:09,710 --> 00:20:13,550
And they've managed to completely spoil
our entire operation.

320
00:20:14,910 --> 00:20:16,570
Are you saying something funny?

321
00:20:17,630 --> 00:20:19,750
No, no, I was just being silly.

322
00:20:20,730 --> 00:20:21,780
Oh, yes.

323
00:20:22,130 --> 00:20:26,669
Well, whoever they are, they are now the
proud owners of half a million pounds

324
00:20:26,670 --> 00:20:29,010
worth of high -quality diamonds.

325
00:20:30,090 --> 00:20:31,830
Have some more coffee, please.

326
00:20:32,130 --> 00:20:33,180
I thought it was tea.

327
00:20:36,620 --> 00:20:37,670
You want a drink?

328
00:20:37,780 --> 00:20:38,840
Yeah. How about it?

329
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:41,690
Buongiorno.

330
00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:44,760
Mi amore e mi.

331
00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:54,119
Mi camarade e mi have just

332
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:57,280
come from out of Big Fish Lorry.

333
00:20:58,100 --> 00:20:59,560
Big Fish Lorry.

334
00:21:00,820 --> 00:21:02,860
Accidenti. Terrible mix -up.

335
00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:05,580
Long, long journey across Mediterranean.

336
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:17,320
And now, Donna and Blitzer, me
camaraderie et me,

337
00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:19,440
no javier.

338
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:22,020
No javier.

339
00:21:22,580 --> 00:21:25,040
Exactly. No javier.

340
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:28,720
Where are you guys from? Eastern Europe?

341
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:30,330
No, no.

342
00:21:30,700 --> 00:21:31,920
Pilchard Lorry.

343
00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:34,980
Ah, Pilchard Lorry, no javier.

344
00:21:35,770 --> 00:21:36,820
Yes.

345
00:21:37,410 --> 00:21:38,460
Pilchardo.

346
00:21:39,530 --> 00:21:40,590
Fishy -wishy.

347
00:21:41,370 --> 00:21:42,420
You want fish?

348
00:21:42,730 --> 00:21:45,070
No, no, no, no. Don't want fish.

349
00:21:45,370 --> 00:21:47,270
No. Look, I'll tell you what.

350
00:21:47,830 --> 00:21:52,530
We will swap fish for two coffees.

351
00:21:52,930 --> 00:21:56,530
You want two coffees? Yeah, yeah. Two
coffees.

352
00:22:03,270 --> 00:22:05,270
You're never going to type, don't you?

353
00:22:06,060 --> 00:22:07,560
Of course he will. This is Italy.

354
00:22:07,940 --> 00:22:10,880
The entire economy is run on the barter
system.

355
00:22:14,500 --> 00:22:15,550
More tea?

356
00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:20,960
Looks like we've had a sighting.

357
00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:26,980
Smugglers and the cagoule men are in a
cafe in Amstelstraat.

358
00:22:27,500 --> 00:22:28,550
Come, Inspector.

359
00:22:28,660 --> 00:22:29,710
We must hurry.

360
00:22:30,340 --> 00:22:31,390
Come on.

361
00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:33,380
Si, si, signore.

362
00:22:33,900 --> 00:22:38,740
Very bellissime pilchardo. I don't want
your pilchards. I want money.

363
00:22:39,100 --> 00:22:40,180
Okay, okay.

364
00:22:42,260 --> 00:22:44,380
Make it two tins of pilchards.

365
00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:46,680
Just get out, both of you.

366
00:22:47,020 --> 00:22:48,980
You're making the place smell of fish.

367
00:22:51,300 --> 00:22:53,560
They're so temperamental, these
Italians.

368
00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:57,020
Dave, why don't you face facts?

369
00:22:57,500 --> 00:22:59,420
They don't like pilchards.

370
00:22:59,980 --> 00:23:02,320
Nobody in the world likes pilchards.

371
00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:07,979
No one has ever in the history of the
entire planet actually gone out and

372
00:23:07,980 --> 00:23:11,540
a tin of pilchards, except my gran with
the hairy moles, and she's dead.

373
00:23:12,580 --> 00:23:16,360
They just get shipped all around the
world, never to be eaten.

374
00:23:16,660 --> 00:23:22,140
Nobody, nobody at all in the universe
has ever wanted pilchards.

375
00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:26,860
Give me your pilchards, and I'll help
you.

376
00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:32,370
See?

377
00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:35,490
That's Pilchard's.

378
00:23:41,940 --> 00:23:47,500
Now, let us all stay calm and no one
will get hurt.

379
00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:51,620
Given Pilchard.

380
00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:55,260
Not so fast.

381
00:23:56,120 --> 00:23:58,480
My friend here is very wise.

382
00:23:59,940 --> 00:24:01,000
Hand them over.

383
00:24:01,001 --> 00:24:05,549
Do you think I ought to warn our large
Italian friend here that he is messing

384
00:24:05,550 --> 00:24:09,570
around with two highly trained, highly
efficient killing machines?

385
00:24:10,550 --> 00:24:12,730
Hey, it's a real gun.

386
00:24:13,870 --> 00:24:17,110
No, it's... It's my real head.

387
00:24:17,570 --> 00:24:20,730
It's not the purchase, Bob. It's the
principle.

388
00:24:21,110 --> 00:24:26,070
I am not having foreigners poking their
guns into my best friend's ear.

389
00:24:26,410 --> 00:24:29,450
I will count to five, and then...

390
00:24:33,970 --> 00:24:36,930
Shoot. It's OK, Bob. He's bluffing.

391
00:24:37,830 --> 00:24:42,849
Pardon? If he gets away with it once,
he'll go round nicking everybody's

392
00:24:42,850 --> 00:24:44,970
poochers. Then where will we be?

393
00:24:45,350 --> 00:24:47,690
Troll. Give him the bloody pill.

394
00:24:48,370 --> 00:24:49,570
Swain. No.

395
00:24:50,650 --> 00:24:54,330
He'll soon change his mind when he
realises that we're police officers.

396
00:24:54,830 --> 00:24:55,970
Police officers?

397
00:24:56,470 --> 00:24:57,810
That's right, Pavarotti.

398
00:24:58,130 --> 00:24:59,290
We're poppers.

399
00:25:00,090 --> 00:25:01,170
I enjoy.

400
00:25:01,660 --> 00:25:05,100
Killing police officers, I enjoy it
more.

401
00:25:05,460 --> 00:25:08,360
Dave, he enjoys it.

402
00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:09,730
Oh, yeah?

403
00:25:10,660 --> 00:25:12,040
How many have you killed?

404
00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:18,040
Four. Is that four police officers or
the number four? Five!

405
00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:21,210
What is it?

406
00:25:50,350 --> 00:25:51,990
Dr. Cotton, you can come in now.

407
00:25:57,570 --> 00:25:58,620
Briggs.

408
00:25:59,250 --> 00:26:00,890
Sir. Louis.

409
00:26:01,710 --> 00:26:03,650
Sir, I thought you were in Amsterdam.

410
00:26:03,950 --> 00:26:05,000
I am in Amsterdam.

411
00:26:05,690 --> 00:26:07,770
I thought you two were in Felixstown.

412
00:26:07,771 --> 00:26:09,109
No, sir.

413
00:26:09,110 --> 00:26:10,160
We're in Venice.

414
00:26:11,490 --> 00:26:14,110
Aha. So you know these people.

415
00:26:14,790 --> 00:26:15,840
Yes.

416
00:26:16,310 --> 00:26:17,390
I'm afraid I do.

417
00:26:18,570 --> 00:26:19,620
They're...

418
00:26:20,810 --> 00:26:21,860
Police officers.

419
00:26:22,470 --> 00:26:23,910
Oh, I see.

420
00:26:24,690 --> 00:26:30,789
I see. So you people at Scotland Yard
have this whole thing planned right from

421
00:26:30,790 --> 00:26:31,840
the beginning.

422
00:26:32,050 --> 00:26:34,550
Clever. Very clever.

423
00:26:36,590 --> 00:26:41,030
Oh, well, you know, we do our best.

424
00:26:41,710 --> 00:26:42,760
Hmm.

425
00:26:43,850 --> 00:26:46,730
You must be very proud of your men,
Inspector.

426
00:26:49,740 --> 00:26:50,790
Oh, yes.

427
00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:54,420
I imagine you will want to give them
both a big slap.

428
00:26:55,360 --> 00:26:56,410
On the back.

429
00:26:57,580 --> 00:26:58,630
Oh, yes.

430
00:26:59,940 --> 00:27:01,740
A very big slap.

431
00:27:03,180 --> 00:27:04,230
On the back.

432
00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:08,480
I thought the super would have let us
come home on a plane.

433
00:27:09,360 --> 00:27:10,410
Yeah.

434
00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:12,060
Can't see a sardine.

435
00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:21,840
It's a tin fish thing with me, really.

436
00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:26,540
Can I borrow your hat?

437
00:27:26,541 --> 00:27:28,309
No.

438
00:27:28,310 --> 00:27:32,860
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